


Homestuck 3, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace Absurdity

by Galileo76



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Action/Adventure, Canon, Comedy, Cringe, Dragons, Earth C (Homestuck), Edge - Freeform, Edgy, Gen, Humor, Im really reaching for tags here huh, JoJo References, Lovecraftian, Meme, Memes, Multiple Crossovers, Mystery, Original Character(s), Post-Sburb (Homestuck), Post-Sgrub (Homestuck), Satire, Stands (JoJo), Trolls (Homestuck), War, Work In Progress, multi-fandom - Freeform, mustard, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:47:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29370285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galileo76/pseuds/Galileo76
Summary: A stupid dumb fanfiction made using my piecemeal understanding of Homestuck. It is most definitely a canon continuation of Homestuck yes totally. Follow the adventures of the dumb edgelord OC named G2, the dumb neon colored OC named Octrol, and Sollux, who was dragged into this mess and does not want to be here. No character, Homestuck or otherwise, is safe from my touch. Don’t mind the weird chapter numbering I’m a poo poo stinky head.
Relationships: Author/Your Mother, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Komaeda Nagito/Sans (Undertale), Meenah Peixes/Aranea Serket, Mituna Captor/Latula Pyrope, Sansmaeda - Relationship
Kudos: 5





	1. Prologue

Prologue

Today was the birthday of Dave Strider. How old is he turning, you might ask? I don’t know and neither will you. Somewhere between 20 and 100000000 years old. With him in his living room were some of his good pals. These were; Dirk, Roxy, Rose, Kanaya, John, Jade, Karkat, and Terezi. They were about to start opening up Dave’s presents, when out of nowhere, the front door bursts open. It’s Vriska!

“Yo yo yo yo! What’s up 8itches?” Vriska exclaimed. Everyone in the room pretended to be glad, when Terezi decided to speak up

“W41T, 4R3NT Y0U SUPPOS3D TO B3 D34D?” Terezi replied. Vriska didn’t answer, simply staring at Terezi intensely for an uncomfortably long ten seconds, until she snapped out of her trance and gestured to the door.

“While I was gone, I got married to this handsome man and had a kid! Kid’s an asshole though, and he refused to come.” Through the door stumbled what looks to be a humanoid dragon man, colored like the Ender Dragon and wearing a brown coat. He coughed and wheezed as he entered. “Oh, don’t worry a8out him, the doctor said he is coming down from something called ‘FirstOCitis’, whatever that means.”

“Hello, my—” the dragon coughed into a handkerchief, “—my name is G.”

“G? G WH4T?” Terezi asked, puzzled at the oddity of this scale-sona walking into their party, who somehow enjoyed Vriska’s… quirks enough to tie the knot. The rest of the guests shared that sentiment.

“Just G. Nice to meet y’all.” He threw the ashy remains of his current handkerchief in the nearest trash can and pulled out a new one, at the ready in case his lungs decided to hit the quan.

After everyone had settled down around the dining room table and talked for a bit, Dave finally decided to open his presents. He had gotten through some of them, including a pair of socks, a model helicopter, a canister of uranium-238, and a board game about vandalizing museums. His newest present, though, was odd. A green and purple striped box, with no tag for who it was from. Certainly a step-up packaging wise from those bags with the tissue paper in them, so he gladly opened it up. What was inside, however, was a complete surprise.

“wait a minute,” Dave said, “this isn’t a millenium falcon lego set! this is a high-tech bomb! what a strange gift” The bomb inside began to beep, and before anyone could react, it detonated.

News reporters flocked to the site of one of the strangest events in the history of the United States. An entire city, gone. Nothing left but a perfectly dome-shaped crater. No mushroom cloud was seen, no scorched earth, no radiation, nothing. This day would be known as the day that the city of Unter disappeared.


	2. Chapter 1: Lord of Edge

Chapter 1:Lord of Edge

All the lights were off in the Serket household, yet someone still stirred. G and Vriska had left a while ago, and when you are a 16 year old boy home alone with access to a computer? Hook it up to some speakers and blast metal music. What, did you think I was going to make a joke about him looking at porn while his parents are gone? No, I’m going to make a joke about making a joke about him looking at porn in a contrived attempt to be subversive and cool. The muffled sound of Metallica thundered through the house, emanating from one room. Inside, it looked like a tornado had torn through, and sounded just as loud. Clothes, food wrappers, suspicious magazines shoved under the bed are but a few things littering the floor. On the walls were posters for various metal bands and video games, including Shadow the Hedgehog and Bomberman Act Zero. The entire room was covered in various other things either black or red in color. The sheer edge in the room is enough to make a razor blade factory go out of business . In the middle of the room was an office swivel chair, because Vriska wasn’t about to shell out $500 for a gaming chair. On said chair, sat a boy of particular note. 

Like his father, he was a dragon, with the wings, tail, scaled body, and overall dragon-man shit. His scales were grey, and he had four horns, two traditional draconic horns, and two trollish horns above them. His right eye was yellow, and slitted like a reptile, while his left eye had that weird spider thing his mom has. His snout contained regular dragon teeth, but he had two fangs that stuck out beyond his mouth. This genetic abomination was wearing a Metallica shirt underneath a sleeveless leather jacket with its front open, as well as those pants with the holes in them. He was currently doing what the kids these days call “vibing” to the music, except much more aggressively than what is considered safely vibing. He was singing along to the screamer lyrics that sounded like the singer was trying to cough up his own intestines when the music suddenly stopped. 

“What the fuck?” Our foul-mouthed friend said as he scooted closer to the screen to see what was happening. The Internet was disconnected. “Stupid shitty fucking router, I told dad to get a new one! Fucking idiots…” His excessive cursing wasn’t as cool as he thought, sounding more like a 10 year old who discovered the word Fuck for the first time, and is now integrating it into any and all sentences. He made the trek downstairs, resetting the wifi, and coming back up. After a moment, still nothing. He angrily grunted, before flopping down onto his bed, making sure his curtains were closed before grabbing a magazine shoved under his bed. It was not the latest issue of Playtroll, but a cooking magazine. It was then he noticed something. It was way quieter than it should be. Normally, the sounds of stock sound effects would pass by, but it was almost silent. Only a strange warbling sound could be heard, not even that obnoxious stock cat meow sound effect for the eleventh time holy fuck, it doesn’t even sound like a cat I’ve never heard a cat sound remotely like that what the fuck. The sound was bothering him, so he threw the magazine on the ground and walked downstairs to open the door and check out what the fuck was warbling out there.

As the door crept open, G2 got a look outside his house. In the middle of the street of a long row of average American suburbs, was a rotating dodecahedron. Plastered on its twelve faces, was what could only be described as a low quality png of someone’s fan troll.

“please HELP me I am IMPRISONED inside a GEOMETRIC SHAPE and I am SCARED.” Yelled the ominous floating d12. G2 looked on in bewilderment at the odd object floating outside of his house. Weirder still was the sky and the skyline. The sky looked like a tie dyed t-shirt worn by a washed up old man, with many stars hanging in that kinda gross mix of colors. Stranger still, was that the skyscrapers of the city that dominated the skyline were twisted into a spiral shape, with a bright light shining from the top. These oddities aside, he approached the dodecahedron, which hovered a foot above the ground and was twice his height. 

“What the fuck am I supposed to do about this?”

“I DON’T know, JUST throw a ROCK at it.” The imprisoned one replied. G2 shook his head in disbelief of this strange occurance, and grabbed a rock. This thing’s random screaming was getting on his nerves, so he would be more than glad to chuck a rock at it. He grabbed a nearby stone about the size of a baseball. Finally, his time in little league baseball amounted to something! He chucked it at the menacing geometry, and as the stone collided, the dodecahedron shattered into a million pieces, but no sign of a troll inside. That was, until, the shards started to coalesce into a humanoid form. It was the form of a troll, with a single horn poking out his forest of spiky anime protagonist hair, which was being suppressed by his hood. His yellow eyes had strange, rectangular pupils, like that of an octopus. He wore the most awful bright yellow and green hoodie known to man, and eight belts were wrapped around his body from his waist to his armpits. He was also comically short, standing ovly 3 foot 2 inches.

“hello THANKS for saving ME. my name IS OCTROL and I am REALLY COOL.” The very short troll exclaimed. G2 just looked down at him, wondering why he bothered with him.

“Hey dickhead, what the hell is going on? Why is the sky weird and why are those buildings being twisted?” G2 grumpily inquired.

“why WOULD I know about THAT. and IF I DID, why WOULD i tell you.” Octrol replied.

“Because,” G2 snarled, smoke billowing from his mouth, “...I have the power of 7 human souls, kiddo. You dare to defy me, and I’ll blow your fucking head off.”

“this isn’t UNDERTALE you SILLY boy,” G2 choked on his own smoke at this response, “...and BESIDES, i am a FUSCIABLOOD with VERY GOOD psionics, watch.” Octrol pointed behind G2 “LOOK over there.” G2 did not look, but Octrol ran across the street and turned to the drake. “see? i TELEPORTED.” G2 shook his head and sighed. 

“Whatever. I need answers and you are too dumb to supply them. I’m going to look for someone. Don’t follow me.” G2 snarled. He turned and began to walk down the street, seeing if he could find anyone on these seemingly empty roads. Octrol tailed behind G2 anyway, not fearing death at the hands of an angry teenager edgesona who listens to Linkin Park too much.

“hey, WHAT IS your name?”

“It’s G2. Can you stop following me now?”

“your NAME fucking sucks.”

“Shut up, asshole.”

These two soon-to-be comrades walked onwards towards their next destination, like the noble cowboys of justice that they were. If cowboys were made by 14 year olds on Fanfiction.net roleplaying forums.

They continued their stroll down the strangely silent suburbs. Usually, they were at least a little busy, with cars coming up and down the street and kids getting hit by said cars. In this moment of silence, Octrol decided to break the tension.

“SO, where ARE we going.” He said.

“You mean where am I going. I never asked you to come along, so fuck off.” G2 snarled.

“you won’t MAKE any FRIENDS with THAT attitude.” He replied.

“Psh, I have tons of friends, I just think you are a fucking idiot.” G2 gloated.

“how MANY?” Octrol inquired.

“Y-You know… lots…” G2 wasn’t looking at Octrol to begin with, but now he was completely avoiding looking backwards. The next few moments were filled with that awkward, eerie quiet again, until the sound of laser guns broke that silence.

Up ahead was a strange sight indeed. A group of LEGO Stormtroopers from popular video game LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga were firing their blasters at a particular quad-horned blind troll, who was currently behind cover hurling objects at the plastic soldiers. He could not exactly tell where they were, but the sound of their blaster fire was enough. G2 and Octrol were witnessing this attack, and were thinking about what to do.

“eh, IT’S not our PROBLEM. LET'S keep MOVING.” Octrol coldly stated, planning on moving on past this firefight. G2 has seen many strange things in his life, but this might just take the cake. Something very unnatural was going on. However, in the moment, he didn’t intend on helping this stranger. These were stormtroopers, it’s a well known fact that they have logic-defying inaccuracy, he should be fine. However, that concrete barrier didn’t look like it was holding up all that well to the repeated blaster fire. No, surely he would be fine… even if he is running out of crap to hurl at them...

Instead of following Octrol, he ran to the barrier, ducking and weaving under blaster bolts to get to the troll. His mind was racing, thinking of what to do. The troll took notice of this stranger, even if he could not see him.

“I assume since I d0 n0t have a burn w0und in my chest that y0u are not 0ne 0f them.” Said the blind troll.

“Nope, I’m pretty sure I’d know if I were an extra. I’m too important to be an extra.” G2 gloated. The blind troll was now beginning to question if his “savior” was actually competent, or just had an ego the size of a solar system. Whatever the case, he wasn’t complaining. Octrol, however, wasn’t as patient.

“what the FUCK are YOU doing. you’re gonna GET shot AND DIE and that ISN'T good. Octrol yelled at him. G2 ignored him, thinking of an especially cunning plan.

“Surrender now, and Latula will make sure you are placed in an especially comfortable geometric shape!” One of the stormtroopers shouted. Both the blind troll and G2 recognized the name, but for different reasons. G2 had heard his mother mention that name in passing, but for the blind troll, it was even more odd. By now, however, G2 got an idea of what to do, as the blaster bolts pounded on the barrier behind him. He quickly got up and ran over to a random couple of parked cars, which he then started to punch.

“Uh, kid? What the hell are y0u doing?” Exclaimed the blind troll.

“Have you ever played LEGO Star Wars? I’m using that dumbass logic against them.” G2 replied and continued to smash the cars into smaller bits.

“OOOOHHH, i SEE what is GOING on.” Octrol quickly scampered over to the automobiles and began to wail on them too, until they were naught but scrap. Both G2 and Octrol then reconstructed the cars into a bigger, meaner looking truck at a comically fast pace. Said ramshackle truck had a cowcatcher on the front with some integrated saw blades. G2 got in the driver’s seat, with Octrol sitting shotgun. He pulled the horn, getting the attention of the blind troll, but also the stormtroopers. The blind troll then scrambled to the source of the sound, but just ran face first into the side of the truck.

“Are you fucking blind? Get in!” G2 angrily shouted at the visually disabled man who was lost and confused.

“Why yes, thank y0u f0r being s0 c0nsiderate of my disability, n0w help me up!” The blind troll spat. After Octrol helped him into the backseat, G2 slammed his foot on the gas, propelling the murdertruck forward and pressing everyone against the back of their seats.

“DO you know HOW to drive?” Octrol hastily inquired, actually fearing for his life now.

“Well, I failed my driver’s test a week ago, but we should be fine.” G2 laxidasily replied, moving full speed ahead as the truck was pelleted by blaster fire 

“don’t YOU think that buzzsaws are A BIT overkill?” Octrol asked.

“It’s fine, they are made out of legos, they will just break—“ Before he could finish, two stormtroopers not fast enough to get out of the truck’s way got caught on the cowcatcher’s buzzsaws, mincing them to bits and spraying enough blood to cover the front windshield. Everyone stayed silent for a moment, trying to process the sudden violence they had just witnessed. They did not have much time to think, however, when the truck smashed face first into a tree. Luckily, the engine block and cowcatcher protected the cab. Also luckily, everyone was wearing seatbelts, so no one got sent through the windshield. They all got out of the burning wreck they had just created and looked at the destruction they had caused.

“We might have met under strange circumstances, but I think we sh0uld at least greet each other. My name is S0llux Capt0r. How about yours?” The aforementioned blind troll said. Finally, I can stop saying “The blind troll” when referring to a character you already know the identity of, because you have actually read Homestuck.

“My name is G2 Serket. Good to meet you, I guess.” He said, holding out his hand for Sollux to shake. Sollux can’t shake a hand he can’t see, so G2 was just standing there.

“0h great, she repr0duced and might still be alive. Let me tell y0u, she was a great pers0n, and t0tally n0t a bitch.” Sollux saltily stated, probably rolling his eyes if he had any left.

“HEY, DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY THAT ABOUT MY M—“ G2’s sudden rage was interrupted by his short companion.

“don’t mind HIM, he CAME OUT of the razor BLADE factory wrong. my NAME is OCTROL molskk. He said, forcing his hand into Sollux’s and shaking it with fervor.

“...Are y0u a child? Why are y0u s0 sh0rt?” Sollux rather bluntly asked.

“hey, i MAY be three FOOT two, BUT AT least i am not BLIND.” The rambunctious Octrol rudely retorted. Sollux sighed and shook his head.

“Well, I’m l00king f0r s0me0ne, and it’s hard t0 figure 0ut where y0u are g0ing when y0u are blind with0ut any0ne t0 guide y0u,” He said, wearily, “Frankly, I d0n’t kn0w h0w I g0t here, 0r why I am being threatened with impris0nment inside a cube. It l00ks like I d0n’t have much ch0ice in weather 0r n0t t0 g0 with y0u, d0 I?” G2 was still pissed at the comment towards his mother, but he knew a part of him would never forgive himself if he let a blind guy wander alone with no help.

“Fine. You can come with, but don’t get in my way, got it?” G2 growled at the least threatening member of this newly-formed gang.

“Thank y0u, 0 graci0us l0rd 0f edge.” Sollux replied, with enough sarcasm to spread on some bread and use to make a sandwich. 

“Whatever.” G2 retorted. “Anyway, I know where we should go next. I have people I need to see.” The rest of the group seemed to silently agree, and then they were off, like a herd of gracious, ivory turtles with roller skates. They walked further down the street in silence, leaving their mess for someone else to deal with later, like the good samaritans they are.

It took them around thirty minutes to arrive at their destination. It was a fairly regular looking suburban house, if a bit tacky with some of the decoration choices. The boys approached the front door.

“so, WHERE are WE? this PLACE SEEMS…. odd.” Octrol said, looking at the army of garden gnomes in the front lawn.

“I can’t see shit, s0 I’m g0ing to ask the same questi0n.” Sollux also said, not looking at the garden gnome army, and probably better for it.

“They are my grandparents. I know it seems silly, but I just want to see how they are.” G2 said as he opened up the front door. Peering inside, he took off his shoes and walked into the living room. His grandparents were there, sitting on the couch watching Seinfeld. Sollux and Octrol soon followed.

“holy SHIT is that SANS from UNDERTALE.” Octrol exclaimed. Indeed, it was Sans from the video game Undertale and Nagito Komaeda from the video game Danganronpa on that couch.

“that’s my name, don’t wear it out.” Sans casually replied. “‘sup, kiddo? you bring some friends over to visit? i’d say the transportation of an entire city to an extra-dimensional space is an inopportune time, but now is as good as ever.”

“Hey it’s me Komaeda from Danganronpa.” Said Komaeda, as he continued to vacantly stare at the funny men on TV doing funny things.

“Well, gramps, I was just here to see what was going on myself, but you seem to know anyway. How is that?” G2 inquired.

“it was on TV a few minutes ago. some crazy lady with clown makeup talking about society or something. she was one of those trolls, too. i think she might have been clowning around, though.” A laugh track and the Seinfeld theme erupted from the TV after he made that highly intelligent joke.

“Cl0wn makeup? S0me purple bl00d must be behind this, then…” Sollux said. 

“Hey it’s me Komaeda from Danganronpa.” Repeated Komeda, still staring blankly as Seinfeld did a silly on screen.

“Hey gramps? What’s up with Komaeda?” G2 inquired.

“oh, don’t worry about it kiddo. the author doesn’t know what a…” Sans looked as smudged writing on his finger bones as he spoke. “...Dagamagaropa is. he will be fine, kiddo.”

“h-hey, MR sans? i H-HAVE A question.” Octrol said sheepishly.

“sure. what is it, kiddo?” Sans said

“can I HAVE your AUTOGRAPH?” Octrol asked as he thrusted a piece of paper into Sans’s skeleton hands, his face flushed fuchsia with embarrassment.

“hehe, sure kiddo. this better not be a contract to sell my soul to satan or something.” Sans signed the piece of paper, and handed it back to the short troll.

“he’s SO COOL.” Octrol whispered under his breath. He will cherish this moment until the end of days.

Sans hopped off of the couch and gestured for G2 to follow him. G2 followed, while Octrol and Sollux were appreciating the art form that is Seinfeld. Sans led his grandson into his room, where he pulled an old dusty trunk from under his bed.

“kid, ever since you were born, i knew you would achieve great things. that is why i am giving this to you.” Sans opened up the trunk, revealing none other than a strife deck, already containing to strife specibus. “there are two specibi in here. one is a swordkind, and the other is flamekind, your own fiery breath.”

“Well… you see, I have a little problem with that last one…” G2 said.

“why?”

“Well, you see… I’ve never been able to breath fire, just smoke…”

“don’t worry, I can fix that for ya.”

“Really? But how-“ G2 was interrupted by a swift punch to the stomach, causing him to belch up a cloud of hot smoke and kneel over in pain. “W-What the fuck?! What was that for, asshole?!”

“jeez, no need to be so hot headed. i’m only sparking your potential.” Badum tsss.

G2 attempted to breath a small gout of flame, feeling the heat rise from his throat into the back of his mouth, where he released it, causing a small flame to flash out of his mouth, luckily not burning anything.

“Well… thanks for that, I guess. Do you at least have a sword?” G2 asked his grandfather, a little ticked off.

“hey kiddo, those are claymore than i can afford.” The short skeleton quipped. A laugh track from the TV played conveniently after the joke.

“Well, thanks. I’ll be sure to make good use of these.” G2 said as he picked up the strife deck. He then walked with sans out to the living room to meet with his companions. “Guys, we should get going now. We need to see what is going on out there.”

“Agreed. Wh0ever that purple bl00d is certainly isn’t using their p0wers for g00d.” Sollux stated. Octrol nodded in agreement. They all then began to leave, with G2 waving goodbye to his grandparents.

“Goodbye, grandpa and grandpa!” G2 said.

“catch ya later, alligator.” Sans replied.

“Hey it’s me Komaeda from Danganronpa.” Said Komaeda, staring at the television with dead eyes. What horrors has this man seen?

As the gang walked down the suburban streets, a question lingered in Sollux’s mind.

“Hey, G2, if y0ur grandfathers are a skelet0n and a human, h0w did Vriska and y0u end up as tr0lls?” He asked

“About my mom, I’m not sure. But here’s a little secret, I’m only half troll. My other half is dragon, and that’s why I can breathe fire and fly and be kickass.” G2 replied.

“But… h0w… h0w is that p0ssible? I’ve heard 0f tr0lls meeting their 0ffspring 0n earth c, but h0w can a drag0n and a tr0ll mate t0 create a half-tr0ll half-drag0n? That’s n0t h0w the M0ther Grub w0rks.” Sollux replied.

“Well, I’d rather not ask how my parents fucked, so that will remain a mystery.” G2 said.

“0k then. 0ctr0l, is there anything crazy and weird ab0ut you that y0u w0uld like t0 share?” Sollux sarcastically asked.

“you see, I AM a fuschia, BUT I AM a guy. i guess MALE fuschias can EXIST after all.” Octrol said.

“Y0u kn0w what? I’m g0ing to st0p asking.” Sollux huffed. “Where are we g0ing?”

“To the city. Whatever happened seemed to have started there, judging by the twisted towers. It’s a long ways away, though, so we will have to walk there.” G2 said. And with that, our gang of desperados desperate for declassification of these devious deeds, began the long journey to the sinister city. What awaits them in this concrete jungle? Action and drama awaits them in the next chapter of Homestuck 3!


	3. Chapter 2: Sollux’s Bizarre Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang gets a car ride, gets in a fight, and gains new abilities.

This trip was taking our gang of idiots a lot longer than they were thinking. They have been walking next to this highway for an hour, and not a single car could be spotted on the road for them to try to hitch a ride on. With dry throats and tired legs, they continued on, feeling like they were making no progress. Sollux was holding onto G2’s shoulder so he didn’t accidentally wander into a comically open hole in the ground.

“my FEET hurt.” Octrol complained out loud.

“Dude, shut the fuck up, that’s the third time in the past thirty minutes you have complained about them. Please, shut the fuck up until we get somewhere.” G2 groaned at the small fuschia.

And shut up the little troll did. Well, at least for the moment.

“hey, LOOK at THAT.” Octrol exclaimed, pointing at something in the distance. “it’s a VAN. one OF you can drive, RIGHT?”

“I’d drive, if I still had any eyes t0 see the r0ad with.” Sollux responded plainly, with a hint of sarcasm.

“Well, at least this time I won’t have anything obscuring the windshield. We’ll be fine.” G2 said in a concerningly confident manner.

“Please d0n’t get us killed, that w0uld thr0w a wrench in the w0rks.” Sollux replied.

The van they approached was a rickety thing, sorta rusty, faded paint, but not broken. They approached this antiquated machine, wondering if it still functioned. To their surprise, it was currently on. They cautiously approached it, looking for anybody around. They saw no one taking a piss break in a nearby bush, so they hopped in the car. G2 sat in the driver’s seat, Sollux sat shotgun, and Octrol, after some convincing, sat in the back seat behind G2, but not the very back, because he was too short to sit shotgun so Sollux got to sit there. Strangely enough, there were keys in the ignition, with a symbol of The Sufferer hanging on the keychain. G2 felt a bit nervous about this whole thing. Yea, this seemed like a good idea, but what if the car’s owner needed it because they were transporting their dying boyfriend or something?

“Hey guys? I don’t think this is a good—“ G2 was cut off by someone with a strange double headed trident, a 2x3dent if you will, coming from the far back seats to use the weapon to choke Octrol. A particularly meen looking troll with face fins and purple pointed glasses, who was soon accompanied by a spidery looking lady wearing blue.

“)(-EY CARJACK-ERS DO YOU WANT TO M-E-ET COD” The fishy lady said, pulling the bar of the 2x3dent harder against the small troll’s throat.

“HELP i am BEING CHOKED this is not HOT it HURTS.” Octrol managed to rasp out.

“That’s what you get for trying to steal our van, you filthy—“ The spidery troll stopped herself once she took a look at the two gentlemen in the front seat. “...Sollux?”

“Aranea? Meenah? Is that y0u tw0? Here 0f all places?” Sollux asked, angling his head in the direction of their voices.

“oh hey sollux, didnt realize it was you tryin to steal our van.” Meenah said, calming down and stopping her choking of Octrol. The small troll gasped for breath, almost looking like a fish out of water. “quit your flounderin, i didnt choke ya that hard, ya baby man.”

“And you, dragon 8oy, why do you have my horns, but also non-troll horns, as well as a 7 pupiled left eye?” Aranea inquired to the half-dragon half-troll freak of nature.

“Well, I think I should first ask why you look like my mom. Like, almost exactly.” G2 asked back to her.

“........Your mom wouldn’t happen to 8e Vriska Serket, would she?”

“She is. Are you a sister no one told me about?”

“Well, no. You see, she is my dancestor, and that means—“

“it means she is a clone of ya mom and also sort of ya genetic grandma but not really” Meenah interjected, intending to stop Aranea from going on for an hour about the ancestors.

“Oh. So, how do you guys know her?” G2 asked.

“It’s complicated.”  
“its complicated” Both female trolls reply in unison.

“...I see. So… can we just, not kill each other now? We’re sorry we tried to steal your van, but we need to get to the city. Can we just… borrow it?” G2 asked.

“borrow it? nah, ya cant just squirm your way out of this one” Meenah reminded the gang of her ownership of her 2x3dent with a flourish, although it was hard to maneuver inside of a van

“What if we paid y0u?” Sollux asked, not even facing the commotion in the back.

“really? how much” Meenah liked this idea a lot more.

“You’re not really considering taking a 8ribe, are you?” Aranea asked

“Fifty bucks.” Sollux replied. Probably too much for how long they had to drive, but he was in a hurry and he had a feeling he wouldn’t be using his money too much anyway.

“sold. hey scale-suit, get out of the front seat” Meenah said, getting out of the back, and using the passenger door on the driver’s side to get out of the van intentionally crawling on Octrol to spite him. 

“Fine, 8ut I get to sit shotgun.” Aranea said, not crawling over the fuschia feller in the passenger seat because she wasn’t a dick. Sollux and G2 got out, with Sollux getting to sit next to Octrol while G2 was confined to the far back.

“By the way, why were you two back here anyway?” G2 asked.

“We took a short nap. Well, it was supposed to be, but it probably wasn’t. Meenah makes me lose track of time, sometimes.” Aranea, averting her gaze temporarily to try and hide the fact she was blushing, before putting on her seatbelt, because seatbelts save lives.

“Please don’t tell me I’m sitting where these two fucked.” G2 thought to himself

“hey shorty, do ya need a booster seat or something?” Meenah joked at Octrol.

“im NOT a TWO YEAR OLD. i don’t need a BOOSTER seat.” Octrol huffed, putting on his seatbelt. Meenah chuckled to herself, and everyone put on their seatbelts. Meenah then began to drive the van, getting back onto the highway and towards the strange city looming in the distance. In the beginning of the ride, it was quiet, with all but Meenah idly staring out the window as they passed by the outskirts of the suburbs proper. Octrol, however, had a burning question on his mind.

“hey MEENAH. a-are YOU a FUSCHIA?” Octrol asked, a bit scared at the lady who had just tried to send him to the shadow realm.

“uh, yea i am. come to grovel at my feet or somefin” Meenah responded, giving more attention to the road than to the vertically challenged individual behind her.

“well, UHH, i dont know WHERE i was GOING with this. j-just DON’T kill me, OK?” Octrol stammered.

“im not gettin paid to kill ya, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.” Meenah said

“Ok, 8ut can you please stop threatening him? It’s not even funny anymore.” Aranea asked politely.

“nah” Meenah plainly responded. “but ill stop for now, if thats what ya want” She then leaned over to peck Aranea on the cheek, but distracted driving is dangerous. She swerved off the road, almost hitting a tree and a cardboard cutout of Bigfoot before she corrected her course back onto the highway.

“Please, save the affection for when you aren’t operating a vehicle.” Aranea said sarcastically. Meenah chuckled to herself, while our boys in the back were all startled by their near-miss with death. The rest of the car ride went by uneventfully, with near-death experiences being kept to a minimum. After around 30 minutes of watching as the trees and outskirt buildings went by, they arrived at the city proper. Meenah pulled up to the side of a video rental store.

“aight get out of my van and give me that money” Meenah declared to the passengers. Sollux dug for his wallet, and employed G2’s help in retrieving the fiddy dollahs and giving them to Meenah. She inspected the dollar, as if trying to figure out if it was fake, or she had never seen President Grant before. The boys got out of the van before Meenah got into a poking mood again. Aranea waved to them as they drove off in their van held together with duct tape and krazy glue. Octrol waved back at her, while G2 and Sollux walked in the opposite direction towards the city. Octrol followed soon after, trailing a bit behind his taller companions.

“So…….. how do you know those two?” G2 asked his blind buddy.

“Well, we were 0n a pirate ship l00king f0r a treasure to st0p a dem0n fr0m destr0ying shit. Well, f0r a little bit, at least. Y0ur m0m was als0 there and she made it weird s0 I left, al0ng with s0me 0thers.” Sollux said to someone he would never call his buddy.

“Damn, there really is a lot that bitch didn’t tell me about. All she really told me was that she was an alien or something. You don’t seem to like her very much.”

“Well, I think y0u w0uld hate her if she mind c0ntr0lled y0u and made y0u kill 0ne 0f y0ur best friends. And didn’t y0u just tell me t0 n0t insult her like an h0ur ago?”

“Just- shut up! Only I get to call her a bitch!” G2 huffed. “........Wait, mind control? She never said anything about mind control to me! That makes me wonder……..”

“Please d0n’t be getting any ideas.”

“Oh, I’m getting ideas. For later, though. For now, I need to find a sword.”

“0h great, let’s just m0sey 0n up to the sw0rd st0re and—“

“hey GUYS LOOK.” Octrol interrupted the conversation at hand and pointed to a storefront. “it’s the SWORD STORE.” Indeed, the store was a store that sold swords and swords accessories, called “Sal’s Store that Sells Swords”.

“Why d0 I even say anything anym0re.” Sollux sighed.

“That’s convenient. C’mon, let’s go in there and get something.” G2 said.

“I’m n0t buying y0u a sw0rd. That c0mes 0ut of y0ur p0cket.” Sollux replied. They entered the store, a small establishment, but it served it’s purpose. Lined on racks on the walls and on shelves in the middle of the store were many swords, from the real and practical to the extremely impractical. Like come on mmorpgs just because it’s high level doesn’t mean it has to look like a decorative paddle. At the cash register was an employee, who looked like his soul had been drained through his asshole and then forced to watch [INSERT RECENT CRAPPY MOVIE HERE FOR RELEVANCY].

“Hi, welcome to Sal’s Store that Sells Swords, where we have all of your chivalric needs.” The lifeless husk of an employee said in the kind of tone that makes you wonder if the person who said it actually thought about it or was simply speaking reflexively. G2 began to browse the various swords, until he came upon one that spoke to his very soul. The blade was labeled, “Bloodbite Darkedge”. It was a katana, with a black blade tinted slightly red, increasing in opacity as it got closer to the tip. His heart was set. G2 grabbed the surprisingly light sword and brought it up to the register.

“How much for this one?” G2 asked.

“Sorry dude, that’s just a display piece. We’re sold out of them.” The hollow behind the register said. G2’s little dragon heart was crushed. The disappointment of a million suns could be felt radiating from him. How could the world be so cruel? Dangling the perfect weapon in front of him, only to pull it away at the very last second.

“Oh.” G2 practically whispered, dejectedly returning the false sword back to it’s display and halfheartedly putting an arming sword on the counter. “How much for this one?”

“Two hundred dollars.” The drained man said. G2 slapped the money down on the table. The man inspected it. “That’s fifty dollars, three pennies and a crumpled up Hot Topic receipt.” G2 was about to return the sword when he got an idea 

“This is enough money. You will let me buy the sword.” G2 said, focusing his mind on the practically dead cashier.

“This… is enough. You can buy the sword.” The cashier says, scanning it and then removing the thing that makes the alarms scream in pain when something is stolen. G2’s previous pain and agony was all but erased, he could do Jedi mind tricks! Maybe being half troll wasn’t a bad thing after all. However, the cashier wasn’t done talking. “Oh yea, the weird tv clown lady wants to speak to all of you, I think.” He said, loud enough for Sollux and Octrol to hear at the front of the store so they could stop sticking their fingers in their asses and get over here. They promptly walked over, and the cashier pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed the screen to them. On the screen, was a troll, wearing clown makeup and a purple suit. Not the kind of clown makeup that purples usually don, however. Instead, her face is painted up like the joker. The troll clears her throat.

“h3llo, p3sky h3ro3s! 1 s33 th4t you h4v3… d1spos3d of my sold13rs. th4t w4snt v3ry r4d1c4l of you to do! You s33, us g4m3rs h4v3 b33n oppr3ss3d for f4r too long. 1t 1s t1m3 w3 r1s3 up! you s33, 1 w4s m3r3ly round1ng up 4ll of th3 non-g4m3rs 4nd s3nd1ng th3m to work 4t f4ctor13s for th3 r3st of th31r l1v3s. 1f you go 4ny furth3r, 1 w1ll b3 forc3d to s3nd my strong3st hunt3r 4g41nst you. l4tul4, out.” Said the troll from the video.

“That’s neat and all, but h0w did she kn0w we were g0ing to g0 here?” Sollux asked.

“That damn video has been playing all day. The only other thing that plays on the TVs is Seinfeld. And when all you hear is bad jokes, laugh tracks, and clown rhetoric, you start to get a bit tired.” The employee behind the register said, with a little irritation in his voice. Sollux just nodded.

“Riiight. We’ll get g0ing then. Thanks.” Sollux said, motioning the two others to come with him like a chaperone herding two hyper kids on a field trip, even though G2 was probably going to lead him in a direction anyway. As they left the store, the man behind the counter spoke into a walkie talkie.

“They took the bait, and are headed towards East Street. Be ready.”

They walked down the streets of the city, towards the big twisting towers looming overhead. The most noticeable thing, even past the wacky structures was the sheer lack of people. It was almost dead silent, with nothing but the wind howling in between the buildings to keep them company. Even a Pokémon game has an npc or two to try to cover up the fact that the game world looks dead, but here it was just… eerie. However, their loneliness wouldn’t last long. As the group turned a left corner, they were met with a figure in the distance, around 0.00493737 nautical miles away. Their dark hoodie and dark pants and dark mask and dark darkness made it hard to distinguish much, but the longbow in their hand with an arrow nocked certainly made its presence known.

“So, you have betrayed our gamer ways, my intrepid squad of interlopers? Alas, more bluepilled npcs conform to society’s vile grasp. You almost make me sick!” The bow wielding fellow said, his voice indicating him as male. Unless they were a female or non-binary with a masculine voice, which is also ok.

“I have never heard such a vile 0r awful sentence then whatever just came 0ut 0f y0ur m0uth. Please d0 the w0rld a fav0r and be quiet.” Sollux plainly stated.

“Tut tut tut, you simply cannot handle your situation. You see, us gamers have been labeled “losers”, “dorks”, and “nerds” for far too long. The wheels of society seek to crush us, like an elephant stepping on a peanut. But, we have had enough. Enough of the name calling and oppression. We, as gamers, are obligated to freedom from the chads and stacys who step on our necks.” Replied the black-clad archer, no longer nocking the arrow, as to converse easier.

“Oh, but you are so wrong, yet so right at the same time.” G2 declared, trying to be intimidating by making his voice gruffer, but not succeeding. He pushed himself to the front of the group. “Society is vile and rotten to the core. People are evil and cruel, and only seek to further their own interests. But you go about it all wrong. I think that-“

“haha, i STOLE his WALLET.” Declared Octrol, who used the back-and-forth as a distraction to sneak up behind the archer guy and pick his pockets. Why he decided to announce it out loud is anyone’s guess, but that got the archer’s attention.

“You little shit!” The archer said, turning around quickly leaping back, nocking an arrow and aiming at the thief. G2 saw an opportunity, quickly grabbing Sollux by the arm and thrust him into an alleyway. 

“Stay here, I don’t want you in my way.” G2 said, brandishing his newly acquired sword and running towards the combat.

“Aw, h0w sweet 0f y0u. Y0u even implied I am dead weight, h0w kind.” Sollux sighed.

The archer fired his arrow at Octrol, who tried to do a really cool dodge but just stumbled to the right, still somehow avoiding the arrow. Octrol then undid one of his many belts, which was actually wrapped around his body multiple times, so when he undid it, it was a lot longer than was initially observed.

“Ha! What are you going to do with that thing? Bro me to death?” The archer chuckled.

“this belt IS A very powerful BELT. it will LEAVE scars that WILL never HEAL, it WILL destroy YOU-“ Octrol was interrupted by an arrow being shot at his feet, causing him to jump backwards and yelp. In response, Octrol lashed his long belt at the archer like a whip, cutting through his shirt and drawing blood on the skin.

“MOTHERFUCKER- How does a belt hurt that much?!” The archer wasn’t given time to get an answer, as G2 charged him and recklessly swung his sword at him, forcing him to dodge away from the half-breed’s attack. G2 continued to swing wildly at the archer, like a grown man finding a stick on the ground and getting the urge to become a Jedi master for a second. He got a couple of hits on the archer, but only really getting surface wounds, there was some blood, but no real damage. Octrol would have tried to strike him, but there was too much of a risk of him hitting G2 by accident, so he stood by and waited for an opportunity to strike.

“Hey Hot Topic, was it a genetic experiment or a broken condom and that spawned you? Because there is no way your parents are taking care of you out of love by the way you look and act!” The archer said, trying to get an angry response out of his aggressor.

“SHUT UP!!!!!!!!” G2 yelled, swinging his sword with ferocity, but inaccuracy, and he left himself wide open between swings. The archer grabbed an arrow from his quiver, and instead of firing it from his bow, he ducked under one of G2’s reckless swings and stabbed him in the gut with the arrowhead. G2 grunted as the small object penetrated his skin, causing him to collapse onto his hands and knees, one of his hands covering the wound. The archer quickly drew a strange looking purple arrow and aimed at a fire escape on one of the buildings. Before he fired, however, Octrol seized his opportunity, and lashed his whip around the archer’s right arm, entangling it, but not impeding his firing ability. The archer loosed the projectile, hitting his mark. He was then swiftly teleported to where the arrow hit. However, Octrol’s belt was still wrapped around his arm, so he was taken along for the ride as well. His relative position made it so he was teleported in midair, and gravity is not currently having a seizure, so he fell. Luckily, his belt wasn’t long enough for him to hit the ground, but the force of him falling toppled the archer, causing him to spill a lot of his arrows off of the fire escape and onto the ground below. He then looked down at the troll, then to the belt wrapped around his hand, then back to the troll.

“uuuhhhh…. FORTUNE and GLORY?” Octrol said nervously, trying to salvage the situation. This situation was as salvaged as What Pumpkin’s attempt at making the Epilogues quality, and the archer unwrapped the belt from his arm, causing Octrol to take a nasty fall, hitting the concrete on his right side. He felt something snap in his arm when he landed, and an incredible pain.

Sollux could hear the commotion from the alleyway. He knew he couldn’t do much, but this was getting worrisome. Was it because he cared about them deep down all along? Of course not, he’s known them for an hour and, while they did save his life, he found them irritating to be around. He’s not a cliche yet, damnit! He walked out into the open and tried to pinpoint the location of the archer using his ears. However, someone staying still does not make a lot of noise, and bows are especially quiet. The archer looked down at the blind troll. Not wanting to deal with another combatant’s buffoonery, he grabbed what he liked to call the Insta-Kill arrow. It has a fancy, ornate golden arrowhead, and never broke when he used it. All times he used it, it led to a painful and slow death to the target. He aimed it directly at Sollux’s heart (no fuck you I’m not calling it a blood pusher), but he felt the arrow vibrate in his hand. Confused, he attempted to withdraw the arrow, but it flew out of his hand as if he had fired it! Seemingly with a mind of it’s own, the arrow embedded itself in Sollux’s chest, missing his heart but penetrating him through his back. Wracked by the sudden pain, Sollux collapsed backwards, seemingly limp and lifeless.

G2, still dealing with the burning pain in his gut, he looked over to where Sollux’s body was. His eyes widened as he saw his companion on the ground, an arrow in his chest. G2 gritted his teeth, struggling to hold back tears from his wound and his companion’s apparent death. He stood up, the arrow still in his gut as his cerulean blood leaked from the wound. He then began to walk towards the archer. What an idiot he was! If only he hadn’t gotten so angry, if only he had tried to use his fiery breath. But that’s in the past now.”

“You bastard, you’re going to pay for this!” G2 snarled through gritted fangs.

“Jeez Louise, you’ve known him for like an hour dude, how are you this worked up about it? It’s not like- wait, what’s that?” The archer interrupted himself, as something involving Sollux’s body caught his attention. G2 was confused. How did this random ass dude know about what they were doing earlier that day? Either way, he looked as well, and was bewildered at what he saw.

Sollux, somehow, still lived. He began to try to prop himself up, when he realized something. He could see. For the first time in a long time, he could see. He didn’t know how to react at first, but then he made another discovery. He wasn’t seeing through his own eyes. He could see himself right in front of where he was, and while he could still control himself, he could also control this other body he was seeing through as well as he could control his own. To the others, it looked like Sollux was getting up, but there was a strange figure floating next to him. A muscular humanoid, with seemingly metallic gold skin. It’s head was, well, head shaped, but instead of any face, it had some sort of display screen, displaying two ovals, one red and one blue. It’s joints, including the neck, seemed to be made from exposed wires, as if it’s golden exterior was just armor it wore, and the wiry mass beneath was it’s true form. 

Sollux didn’t have any time to think about his situation, as he suddenly had a vision. In one eye, he saw himself, an arrow piercing his head, and his spectral guardian dissipating into dust. In his other eye, he saw the archer falling backwards, with an arrow through his chest. Any time for rumination was cut short, as the sound of an arrow whistling through the air caused him to snap back to reality. Almost as if it was instinct, he has his guardian snatch the arrow out of the air, and hurl it back towards it’s sender. The arrow pierced the archer’s chest, the force of the arrow throwing him back. Sollux then had an idea. He ran up to the side of the fire escape, then had his guardian grab him and throw him into the air, propelling him to the very top in a short amount of time. The guardian followed closely, as they both towered over the archer, who was currently nursing his wound.

“Y0u kn0w, y0u d0n’t l00k as t0ugh as y0u s0und. They say n0t t0 judge a b00k by it’s c0ver, but y0u have “pathetic” written all over you.” Sollux said.

“You imbecile! You are furthering the agenda of our society! Do you realize that-“

“I’m tired 0f listening t0 y0u speak.” Sollux interrupted the archer. His guardian quickly uppercut the archer, sending him into the air. Flying up to meet him, Sollux’s guardian began rapidly punching him, over and over again at a blistering speed. He hit with the ferocity of a machine gun. With one final haymaker to the face, the archer was sent crashing into the window of the nearby building. “If that d0esn’t kill him, his h0spital bills will.”

G2 watched the whole thing, barely believing what he saw. Sollux, a blind dude, suddenly beat the absolute shit out of the archer. That arrow, that must be what triggered his power. Our gemini boy had his ethereal guardian pick him up and leap off of the fire escape, landing safely and destroying the sidewalk that someone worked very hard to lay down. Bastard. The guardian carried him over to his companions. Despite his activeness, Sollux was still losing a lot of blood.

“Y0u 0k? That w0und l00ks pretty nasty.” Sollux said to the dude bleeding out on the ground.

“Shit, I feel fan-fucking-tastic. Losing blood really clears your head.” G2 sarcastically said.

“Either way, we need t0 get t0 a h0spital. I’d hate t0 die 0n the sidewalk like a punk.” Sollux replied. Octrol got up off of the ground, holding his limp right arm and walking towards his companions.

“yeah, BUT how are WE going TO get there IN TIME before someone BLEEDS OUT?” Octrol said.

“I don’t think we can.” G2 groaned, still clutching his side. “It’s not as if an ambulance will suddenly-“ An ambulance suddenly arrived, and a particularly cool dude with cool pointed sunglasses hopped out of the ambulance.

“Don’t worry, bros. Doctor Dirk Strider is here to save your asses with the power of plot contrivance.” Dirk said. You see, it’s meta humor, therefore it’s ok! Why aren’t you laughing at the funny meta humor? I demand you chortle right this instant.

“praise THE gods for THIS deus EX MACHINA!” Octrol says. What do you mean self aware humor doesn’t excuse shitty writing? A-Anyway, Dirk gets out some gurneys from the back of the ambulance, using them as impromptu skateboards to get over to his patients as radically as possible. He hoisted Sollux and G2 up onto the gurneys, with Sollux’s guardian disappearing, before turning to Octrol.

“Are you actively dying or just passively dying.” He asked.

“nah, I JUST broke MY arm.” Octrol replied.

“Good. Get in the front.”

“kickASS.” After Dirk manages to jam two gurneys into a single ambulance, he and Octrol hop in the front of the van. They both put their seatbelts on, because safety first and always. Then Dirk slams his foot on the gas while turning on the ambulance’s wailing alarm. He drives like he is playing GTA, and probably would have killed like eight pedestrians by now if there were any. But his quest to save these poor dying souls was absolute! Plus, it would look totally awesome in the movie adaptation. They were nearing the hospital, when Dirk noticed a wicked cool looking ramp. And by ramp it was two wooden planks set up against the perimeter wall. Oh hell yea he was going to do it. He drove full speed ahead towards the ramp, and before anyone could protest, the ambulance was already in the air. This is the part in the movie adaptation where it’s a slow-mo and that one classical music piece I can’t remember plays, while the camera focuses on all of the character’s faces in slow motion while they all speak slowly or some shit. Homestuck 3: The Movie, coming out when I wrangle the rights to Homestuck. This graceful glide through the air, in reality, was very fast, and they soon found themselves crashing through the wall of the hospital, directly into a hallway. Everyone, except Dirk it seems, were in shock from having a car ride more rough than… a rough car ride.

“Alright, it’s time to do some doctor’s work. Let’s get you two out of the back.” Dirk stated, like a cool person would. He then quickly pulled the two gurneys from the back after doing some sick ninja moves to get there, then rode them down the hall of the hospital, like a totally radical dude riding two skateboards at once would, while Octrol ran behind as fast as his tiny legs could carry him. Dirk then made a swift turn into the operating room, launching Sollux and G2’s gurneys into place perfectly with a jump-backflip combo. Octrol soon followed in, completely winded.

“I’m gonna go wash my hands now. I’m a doctor, not a mortician.” Dirk said. He got no response from Sollux and G2, who were laying perfectly still, petrified and lifeless looking. Octrol took a closer look at them.

“hey doctor STRIDER, I THINK they’re DEAD.” Octrol said, poking G2 in the side of his face.

“Nonsense.” Dirk replied, washing his hands. “They are probably in shock from the ambulance ride. It was intense, but it probably saved their lives.” He popped off his head and washed that under the water as well, then put it back in its place. Sanitation is key, my dudes. The coolest doctor around them walked over to his two main patients, and inspected them further.

“Oh shit they are dead.” Dirk stated, holding open G2’s eye and shining a light on it. He thought for a moment, before getting a brilliant idea. He quickly grabbed the defibrillator and turned it on, rubbing the two shocks thingies together. “This should work. These things are basically magic” He slammed both halves on his two patient’s chests, and they suddenly came back to life, even though defibrillators aren’t magic revive machines. G2 came back looking mortified, while Sollux seemed indifferent. 

“H-Holy shit, did I die? It fucking hurt!” G2 complained.

“Y0u get used t0 it.” Sollux plainly stated. 

“Welcome back to the land of the living. Now I can get to work.” Dirk said.

“wait, DOCTOR strider, what ABOUT MY arm?” Octrol said, still nursing the broken limb. Dirk thought for a moment, before pulling out some masking tape and wrapping it around the broken arm.

“It’ll be fine. Now, onto more serious issues…” Dirk grabbed a handful of medical equipment and approached his two injured subjects.

“Are y0u even a licensed medical pr0fessi0nal?” Sollux asked.

“A license doesn’t mean I can’t fix your stab wounds. It’s basic stuff.” Dirk replied.

“Shouldn’t you put us on anesthetic or something?” G2 asked worriedly.

“You won’t need it. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.” Dirk said. He actually did not know how to apply anesthetic, but pretended like he did.

Roughly an hour of pain and screaming later, the gang found themselves in the hospital’s waiting room. Somehow Dirk didn’t kill them, and they somehow felt better.

“........So, we haven’t had much time to process what the fuck happened in that fight with captain asshat. So please, Sollux, where is that robot thing that beat the shit out of him?” G2 asked. As soon as he said that, the guardian reappeared next to Sollux.

“I can make it appear and disappear whenever I want t0, but I still don’t fully understand it. I think I can c0ntr0l it’s acti0ns.” Sollux said. He had his guardian try to go over to grab a coffee cup on the receptionist’s counter, but the guardian became more and more transparent after travelling 10 feet away, before finally disappearing fully before ever getting to the cup. Sollux then made it reappear next to him. “I can see thr0ugh it’s eyes, which helps, but it seems to have a very sh0rt range of where it can go. But in 0ur fight with the archer, I had a visi0n. S0me s0rt 0f prec0gniti0n that saved my life.”

“Do you know what it is?” 

“N0. I d0n’t even kn0w what it is called.”

“what ABOUT a STAND, since it STANDS next to you?” Octrol suggested.

“Sure, but what about an actual name? You know, something cool to say when you summon it?” G2 said.

“I’m calling it D0uble Time.” Sollux said. As they conversed, Dirk stopped by to check on them.

“Is everyone recovering well?” Dirk asked. However, Sollux had different things to ask.

“Dirk. What can y0u remember leading up t0 the events of you taking us here?” Sollux asked.

“You see, it was Dave Strider’s birthday. We were pals, so he invited me over. Naturally, I came, because I enjoyed his company and wanted to see how he and Karkat were doing. I was one of the first to get there, only beaten by Kanaya, who insisted on decorating.” Dirk explained.

“Kanaya…….. I’ve heard that name before……..” G2 mumbled to himself.

“Soon, others arrived, including John, Rose, Roxy, Jade, and Terezi. We were about to open up his gifts when Bitchska made a surprise appearance after acting like she hadn’t dropped off the face of the earth for eighteen years. She also seems to have somehow gotten married to this dragon guy, who she brought along. Her presence made the gift opening a little awkward, but we continued. We then reached this one gift, which came out of nowhere. Dave opened it, and it turned out to be some sort of weird gadget. It then detonated, and the next thing you know I was in an ambulance with an urge to take the next person I see to the hospital. And now I have a question for you.” Dirk explained, turning to G2. “Are Vriska and that dragon man your parents?”

“Take a look at my horns, dumbass.” G2 dismissively replied.

“I feel so sorry for you. I knew Vriska personally, and the last time she tried making someone stronger, he kinda fucking died. I can’t imagine what she would do to you.” Dirk said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “If she ever tried to hurt you in any way, please—“

“SHE’S NOT ABUSIVE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!” G2 swiped away Dirk’s hand from his shoulder. He was pissed, but when he realized that everyone was staring at him weird, he realized he had overreacted. He sighed. “Sorry. No, my mom is not abusive or has ever tried to harm me intentionally. You would be a bit frustrated if everyone’s first reaction to you is calling your mom a bad person.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit a nerve like that. But given everything I have seen from her, I do find that hard to believe.” Dirk said. “But anyway, you mentioned knowing Kanaya earlier. How do you know her?” 

“Well, that’s the thing, I only recognize her name, I think my mom mentioned her a few times. She didn’t tell me much at all about her past, so hearing all of this stuff is… strange.” G2 replied. 

“That sucks, maybe she’ll tell you if you see her. I also feel like we are going to see each other again, so I wanted to ask. Do you forgive me for what I said earlier?” Dirk asked, holding out his fist for an ultimate Dirk fistbump of radtastic radicalness. 

“Sure.” G2 said, initiating the ultimate Dirk fistbump of radtastic radicalness. It was sort of anticlimactic. “We should probably get going, things to do and all.”

“I understand. Hopefully the next time we meet you won’t be bleeding on the ground.” Dirk said, running away and attempting to use a gurney as a skateboard again, but it flew out from under his legs and he fell on his back. At least he would have, but he is too cool for that, and did a backflip to land on his feet. The Gang™ then got up, like a group of noble samurai on a quest to do samurai things. Their mission clear, they left the building, and continued their journey to the tower…

Meanwhile, in Latula’s secret gamer base…

Latula was sitting upon her gamer throne in her gamer throne room. It was a grand and lofty room, with rad shit like game posters and skateboards on the walls. From the double doors on the other side of the room, a man was wheeled in on a wheelchair, in a full body cast that only showed his eyes.

“4rch3r.” Latula stated coldly, her face masked in shadow, only her red glasses shining through the darkness, like a predator stalking its prey, and her hands folded. “You f41l3d to d34l w1th th3 m3ddl1ng 1nt3rlop3rs. How could you f41l such 4 s1mpl3 t4sk?”

“Well, I was gonna get them, but then that damn troll with the eye patches pulled a stand out of his ass and broke every bone in my damn body!” The archer said, his voice raspy.

“V3ry w3ll. 1 w1ll g1v3 you 4noth3r ch4nc3. M3d1c, r3construct h1s sk3l3ton us1ng cyb3rn3t1cs. 4nd som3on3 g3t M1tun4 for m3?” Latula asked. The medics obeyed without question, wheeling the accidental tavros kinnie away. A few minutes later, ya boy Mituna busted through the door.

“Y0 B4B3, WH47 7H3 FUCK 15 UP!” He shouted across the room.

“Tun4!” Latula exclaimed, hopping from her chair and racing across the room to give him a running hug. “How’s th3 world’s b3st m4t3spr1t do1ng?”

“F4N-FUCK1N9 74571C!” Mituna said, reciprocating the hug. “WHY D1D Y0U G37 M3, 7UL1P?”

“Do you w4nn4 d0 s0m3th1ng c00l?”

“FUCK Y34H.”

“W3ll, th3r3 4r3 som3 p3sky 1nt3rlop3rs try1ng to stop us! C4n you h3lp m3 out?”

“MMMMM, 1 D0N’7 KN0W, 7UL1P. 1 K1ND4 L1K3 B31NG H3R3.”

“You g3t to r1d3 4 g14nt robot!” Mituna gasped at the statement, quickly going back out the doors he came. Latula giggled at his enthusiasm, but peeked her head out from the heavy doors to redirect Mituna to the correct location. She then went back to her gamer throne, and resumed her ゴゴゴゴ menacing ゴゴゴゴ sitting…

===To Be Continued…===>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to PhemieC for the stand name inspiration.


End file.
